For Life
by Lotten
Summary: Mating for life might sound like a fairytale of happily ever after, but Remus finds it to be quite the opposite as he discovers his mate to be the very last person on earth that he would want to share a life with. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I'm pretty sure my old readers know that I know that I shouldn't be starting on new projects all the time, and know already that I am deeply sorry for my scattered muse. New readers were probably pretty discouraged to read right now, but I swear I will finish all of my projects at one point or another... with the possible exception of Tell Laura, LYOD and Via Dolorosa, because they hate me. I will however focus mostly on my newer projects for the moment (a possible exception here is A Human Heart and Harry Snape) and I hope you will forgive me for that.

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**Prologue**

* * *

When their son was eight, Patrick and Simone Lupin sat him down and explained to him the concept of werewolf mating. They both wished that it could've waited, but they had read about werewolves finding their mates when they were no more than ten years old, and they weren't going to risk it. Remus had to know, he had to understand. If he didn't, god knew what he might do, and perhaps with a total stranger; perhaps when he was still just a child.

But Remus didn't react like they had expected. Well, to tell the truth, they hadn't known what to expect, because how did you react to hearing something like that? Still, they had been sure that there would be _some_ kind of reaction, but the boy just sat there, nodding, as if what they had said wasn't going to condemn him, robbing him of the most important choice a human being makes in her life. At their worried inquiries, Remus just shrugged.

"It's like in the fairytales. Love at first sight and then living happily ever after until you die. That's nice, right? At least when you're a grownup I suppose it is. But I'm not a grownup, so." He shifted forward on his seat, signalling that he thought this Talking To was over and could he please go play now?

Simone opened her mouth, wanting to say, _But don't you understand?_ But she closed it even before her husband put a warning hand over hers, squeezing it. No, he didn't understand, and there was no telling when he would.

"You may go now, Remus," Patrick said with a tired sigh, and Remus quickly scooted off before his parents changed their minds. They watched him go, undoubtedly to play by himself down by the brook that crossed their garden; he had already learned to become a solitary child. Somehow, they were glad for it; had he been more social it would only have meant that he ran the risk of losing more friends.

"He will know what we're worried about one day," Patrick said, trying to be soothing even though this was the least helpful thing he could possibly have said. It was simply the truth, and maybe if he said it out loud it would get easier to bear, even though it certainly didn't seem so at the time.

"I know. I know." She pulled her hand through her blonde hair. "I just wish..."

"That he wouldn't have to. I know."

* * *

**Chapter One**

**Or: How Remus learned to start worrying and hate fairytales**

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* * *

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The day Remus did choose his mate – or rather, had his mate chosen for him – he finally understood why his parents had looked at him with such endless pity that day. Not that he had noticed back then, but as he now recalled the day with bitterness and much anger, he knew they must have. He would have hated anyone else for that pity, but they were his parents and he understood the frustration they must've felt back then. Understood it just a little bit too well, as a matter of fact.

Up to the point where his life was utterly ruined, it had been a fantastic day. Sunday, blue sky, crisp air; the kind of autumn day that seemed to bee nature's final swan's song before the long slumber. Sure, he and his boyfriend were still seeing each other in secret, and that sucked more than words could describe. But they had gone for a stroll around the lake, enjoying the day and having a private snog away from prying eyes that wanted to know all about 'Remmy's girlfriend'. And then they went back and parted their ways with a last, sweet kiss, and Remus went to go hide in the library for a few hours before facing the teasing and jibes from his best friends.

As he walked through the castle, he ignored the soft voice at the back of his mind that identified every smell his somewhat over-sensitive nose could register; that pushed and tugged and fed him small pieces of instinct and emotion that he with practised ease suppressed. No, you didn't growl at people who looked you in the eyes; yes, that was food you smelled but there was no need to defend it; no, you certainly did not try to smell the attractive teacher's butt. The wolf part of him replied with frustration and confusion; she couldn't understand this strange creature that was controlling the body that was supposed to be hers. Neither one of them could understand the other – even though Remus liked to think that he did – because he was a human and she was a wolf, no matter what form they were currently in.

She was angry, because she was almost always the observer, and never the one in control. Not even when the moon was full and they were in _her_ form, because then she was gripped by a fury that rode her all night and forced her to seek endlessly for prey. It was easier, true, since her strange pack mates had arrived, but the fury never fully went away.

But there was one thing she did have control over, something that was hers through the curse that bound them both together, and therefore could not be taken from her. She did not gloat, because she could not see how this could be any other way, it was _her_ task, but she did feel a sense of urgency now. She needed to tell him, and very soon. Before he gave himself to anyone else than the chosen one. Once he was told, there was nothing he could do; he would have to succumb.

Remus felt that she was restless, and reluctantly opened up somewhat to her part of their shared mind so they could speak.

_- What is it? _He filled his thought words with irritation and reprove, so that she would know that he would not be amused if she was toying with him. As if she ever was.

_- There is something you need to know. You need to sit down, be calm and listen._

Remus felt her mood like a strange pulse behind the words – something like fear, or perhaps it was impatience, and what seemed to be a subdued, serene kind of joy – but since her mind was so different from his, he couldn't make out the reason.

_- Very well, _he replied grudgingly, _I suppose I might._

He felt that she was amused by his resentfulness, but also a bit worried, and didn't know if that should cause him to feel glee or concern.

* * *

At this very point, Remus' secret boyfriend was somewhere in the castle, fretting over whether or not he should let Remus make their relationship official. Remus had been nagging again, saying that those who really matter _would_ accept them, as if he didn't know that. And he wondered if he was just being stupid, if he was making a fuss over nothing, but the mere thought of people knowing, of people looking at him and thinking, '_Gay_,' made his skin crawl.

One among this motley dramatis personae soon to be mentioned – although clearly not Lily – also bore the identity of this secret lover, and in due time it will be clear who it was. And also, even more so, who it wasn't.

Sirius was in his bed, reading, unaware of the hell that would soon be set loose over his head.

James was writing in his diary, which is what he called it when he was writing love poems, although nothing, not even hellfire and wild horses would ever be able to force it out of him.

Peter finally gave up on trying to do his homework and rolled over to try to take a nap.

In their common room Taylor McKinnon, Ravenclaw prefect, and Charles Kerley, his best friend, were seated by one of the large windows. Taylor was prattling on happily about nothing much, Charles was humming noncommittally, gazing out of the window with a distracted look upon his face.

Severus Snape was pacing his deserted dormitory, face pale in the gloom, hands clenching and unclenching rapidly.

Lily Evans was playing baseball with some friends down by the lake.

Thus was the set arranged when the wolf dropped her news on Remus and let him know that his Happily Ever After had just been rather radically compromised. Watch them scramble as we set them in motion...

* * *

Once she had gotten him to sit down, she wasted no time to lay waste to his life, or so it seemed to Remus later. Right then, he merely noticed that she was acting in a hurried manner that was unusual for her.

_- It is my task to choose the one we will mate with. This you know._

Remus was suddenly glad that he was in the library, and relatively alone. As alone as he ever was. He grasped the armrests of his chair tighter, suddenly in desperate need to touch something that was real, to make sure the world wasn't going to slip away now that all certainties seemed to be swept away from him.

_- I thought it was already decided, _he replied, his very thought weak with anxiety.

_- Why would you think that? _He felt genuine surprise in her thoughts. _It is my decision to make, this has been made clear to you._

_- Yes. Yes, I know that. But I thought... it is meant to be what is best for us..._

_- But it is up to me to decide._

Remus was cold with dread now, yet clinging desperately to the faint hope that it was just her methodical way of speaking that made her appear insensitive to the choice _he _had made, to _his_ feelings. Surely the most practical thing to do was still to choose a mate that he agreed on.

_- I first thought that a mating to a female would be necessary,_ she continued, as if unaware of what was transpiring in his mind, though of course she wasn't. _After all, the point and purpose of mating is reproduction, although of course exceptions have to be made if one cannot feel attraction for one of the opposite sex. Since that is not the case here, this is what I first decided to do. However..._

_- Yes? _He reached out to her in desperation, but met only a strange, composed kind of reasoning that he had no hope of understanding now, with his mind so engulfed in fear.

_- I discovered another way, _she answered, and at least it appeared that she wasn't unmoved by the turmoil she caused in him. _Since you obviously still seem to prefer males. I found a way that will still allow reproduction._

Remus didn't understand, his mind felt blank and numb and clumsy as he sought to grasp what she meant.

_- Reproduction? How would that even be possible?_

And there was triumph she could not hide in her mind when she answered.

_- I reproduce, not you._

Time froze.

_- You..._

_- It is perfect,_ she replied, and suddenly Remus felt strangely alone, for now it was as if she no longer noticed him at all; pure jubilation seemed to flood the link between them and sweep her away with it. _You will get a desirable male, and I will mate with him when the moon is full, I will carry the cubs, I will be the mother._

She felt such frantic longing now, such a painful need, that for a moment Remus was truly moved by it too. For a moment he was perfectly in tune with her being, and knew what it was like, felt as if it was his longing too what it was like to yearn for nothing but being a mother, to see your cubs grow up with pride, to...

And then the full extent of what she had said sank in, and he understood the sacrifice she wanted him to make.

"No!" he gasped, aloud this time, leaping to his feet as if there was any way to escape. "No. I can't do that. Not Sirius. No."

* * *

Sirius was just about to put his book away when Remus came crashing through the door with a wild, panicked look upon his face. He stormed over to Sirius and seemed to be on his way to tear him from the bed, when he halted. It almost seemed to Sirius as if he was reluctant to touch him.

"Sirius, come. We need to talk."

Sirius stood up, bewildered, and cast confused glances at James and Peter before turning to follow Remus, whose footsteps were already clattering down the stairs. James and Peter watched him go, feeling respectively concern and unease.

Sirius had to run to catch up with Remus, who was taking the steps two at a time and didn't seem like he was going to stop anytime soon. Sirius tried to distract him, perhaps even get him to slow down a bit by talking to him, but it didn't seem to do much good.

"Moony! Slow down, will you? Oi, Moony, the common room is practically empty; we can talk there, right? No? Okay, fine. Where are we going? Moony?" And then, once they got through the portrait hole, and he finally got a good look on Remus' face, he added in a softer voice. "Hey, Remus? Remus? Have you been crying?"

Remus finally slowed, looking tormented but determined as he chewed on his lower lip in an obvious attempt to suppress some kind of emotion.

"Have you?" Sirius demanded to know, once more, lifting a hand to place it on Remus' shoulder, hoping to give comfort. Remus shied away, looking instead greatly discomforted.

"Yes. Do you think we can talk in here?" He gestured at a spare classroom they normally used if an accident should occur in their ordinary ones. Sirius poked his head inside, finding it empty except for the Bloody Baron, who gave him an empty, unpleasant stare and floated through a wall.

"Now we can. It's empty. Come on, let's hear what's happened."

Remus didn't look at him when he walked past, but as he went to stand by one of the windows, Sirius could see new tears clinging to his lashes. He went to stand beside his friend, careful not to get too close; he was somewhat hurt by how Remus seemed to cringe even to look at him, but much more worried.

"Come on, Moony. Tell me what's wrong."

Remus drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly through his nose, and he appeared to be trying to regain control over himself. Sirius had a feeling it wasn't working very well, as Remus raked a hand trough his hair and grimaced sourly.

"When you were researching about werewolves to see if I was one," an odd, wry little smile, "did you find anything on werewolf mating?"

The question came completely out of the blue, and Sirius had to think a while before answering. "Well, no... or, yes, there was a chapter on it, I think, but that wasn't really what we were looking for, so we never read it."

"Of course not," Remus sounded somewhat... disappointed? Or just tired? "Well, I'll give you the short version then. We mate for life. We find one person, and that is it. Once our wolf has decided to select a mate, we are bound to them until we die. This means we cannot..." He hesitated, looking a bit uncomfortable, but then he plunged on, his voice now very crisp and academic: "...we cannot experience sexual release with anyone but our mate, and thus our choice of partner – provided we want to have any kind of sexual relationship with them – is limited to this one person. Do you understand?"

Sirius was blushing as he nodded. Even though he hardly was a stranger to talking about sex – or, for that matter, to sex in itself – Remus' words, sounding like they came directly out of a schoolbook, or worse, his mother's mouth, was a pretty far cry from swaggering locker-room talk. "Yeah, I understand what you're saying, but you completely lost me at the why," he said, trying to conceal his embarrassment.

"Because I have found my mate." Remus looked completely deadpan.

"Okaaay..." Sirius was unsure where he wanted to get by this. "And? What?"

"And I am deeply unhappy with the choice. It is not one I would have made for myself."

"Oh." Sirius realised the full impact of the words after a few seconds, and his face softened in sympathy. Now, when he reached out, Remus allowed him to rest a compassionate hand on his shoulder. "Merlin, Moony, that is terrible. Is there... I mean, is there no way...?"

"No. No way to change it. I'm stuck."

"Fuck." Sirius pondered this for a few seconds, finding no words that held no real comfort, nor any delicate enough way of asking what he wanted to know. "I'm so sorry Remus," he said, feeble words comparing to how Remus must feel right now. He hesitated only a moment before continuing to ask him the obvious question, because he'd _have_ to ask sooner or later. "Who is it?" The horrible thought had already struck him that it was Lily, and he wanted Remus to kill that dreadful suspicion stone dead. If he could.

There was silence for several minutes, Sirius waiting anxiously for Remus who appeared to be gathering strength. Then harsh breath sounded between gritted teeth, and Remus uttered one word:

"You."

"I what?"

"You. It is you. My mate is you. Do you need to hear it any plainer than that?" Remus was positively snarling at him, but Sirius stared at him as if every word had been in Swahili.

"What do you mean, me? I'm a bloke, Remus. It's impossible."

Remus growled – Sirius could've sworn it was an actual growl – in frustration, staring at Sirius as if though he was stupid. "No, it is not impossible. A guy who spends so much time calling other people faggots can hardly be oblivious to that."

"But you're not a..." Sirius left the word hanging, unable to even pronounce it.

* * *

"Yes I _am_." Remus wasn't even going to try to explain the concept of bisexuality. It didn't matter anymore, would never matter again unless one of his best friends in the whole world died. "I am gay and you are my mate and what I want to know right now, Sirius, is how the hell I'm going to tell my boyfriend about that." He knew it wasn't the best way of telling him; that the anger was uncalled for and would only make this more difficult, but he _was _angry. Not with Sirius, of course, but the wolf, but he refused to even acknowledge her presence at the moment because the thoughts she was having about Sirius was making him feel sick. And besides, Sirius wasn't exactly helping, looking at him with disgust that he couldn't hide, no matter how hard he tried. And he did, Remus had to give him that.

"Look, as I think I made clear, _I_ didn't chose. The wolf did. Because of Padfoot. He is the only canine she has ever met, so..." There was no need to tell the whole truth, after all. No matter what kind of delusions his wolf side seemed to have on the subject, Remus had been certain from the start that even if he would have allowed it, Sirius would never have touched him in human form, much less as Padfoot; the repulsed look on his face right now only confirmed it. "It has nothing to do with me fancying you, or even being attracted to you, okay? To me, you are a friend and nothing more. I will never touch you, never hit on you, and never ask anything like that from you." He sighed, looking away so that he wouldn't have to see the confusion and disbelief playing over Sirius' features. "I just thought that I should tell you about it, that is all. So that you don't think that I'm acting weirdly around you or anything."

Sirius was quiet for a while, and Remus didn't dare to look at his face to try to see what he was thinking. "So you have a... a boyfriend?" He said finally, choking somewhat on the last word, as if it was unpleasant to speak.

"Yes."

"And how long have you had this boyfriend?"

"Two years. And I've know I like guys all of my life, before you ask me that as well. I was just reluctant to tell you because I thought you might think that it was the grossest thing you've ever heard." He hoped that stung at least a bit. "And actually, I've been wanting to tell you lately, but he was still not sure. So I've been waiting for him. I wasn't going to tell people about him until he was ready, and I haven't changed my mind about that, so don't even ask the question."

"You could've told us about you and left him out of it." It appeared Sirius could not let the matter drop.

"Oh, please." Remus rolled his eyes. "As if you weren't spying enough on me when you thought it was a girl I was seeing. And besides," he felt his throat suddenly constricting and his eyes burning, "we wanted to come out together. As a couple."

* * *

Sirius looked up from where he had been studying his shoes when he heard Remus' voice break. He was leaning against the wall with an arm covering his eyes, but his back was shaking so badly that it did little to hide his tears. And even though the mere thought of him being Remus' mate made Sirius want to throw up; even though imagining Remus together with some bloke was absolutely disgusting... well, friends were friends, and you didn't bloody well let your friends cry.

He approached Remus awkwardly – suddenly unsure where the boundaries between buddy behaviour and suspicious behaviour went anymore – and put a clumsy hand on his back, patting it helplessly.

"Look, Remus, this is really weird and I don't know if I like it very much, but... we're still friends, right? And... and I'll be here if you need to talk, right? Because I imagine it's a bit worse for you. And your b... your boyfriend too, I suppose. So if you need me, I'm not going anywhere, right? And... and we'll work this out somehow, okay? Just wait and see."

Remus looked up at him gratefully through red-rimmed eyes, and Sirius sighed deeply to himself, wondering if he'd gone mad, before wrapping his arms rather stiffly around Remus, slapping him a few times on the back to mark that it was just a manly, friendly hug. Remus didn't hug back, which was sort of a relief, but simply stood there and leaned his forehead on Sirius' shoulder, sobbing harder now. They stood like that for a long time, possibly because none of them knew where they were going from there.

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**A/N: **Next up: Remus tells his boyfriend. Let's have a vote, shall we? Who thinks he is going to be pleased?


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter Two

**Or: The prospect of Sirius as a sexy canine**

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"So? Can you tell me what this is all about now? Remus?"

"I... You know how I told you about werewolf mating?"

"Yeah, sure. You said that eventually you would pick your mate – that is, me – and then you would be tied to me for the rest of your life. It's happened? You know I said I was fine with it, so...?"

"I... I thought... I'm so sorry, but..."

"But what? You..."

"I really thought..."

Silence.

"...It's not me, is it?"

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why this happened. Or, I do. In a way. The wolf thinks he's... suitable."  
"_Suitable? _Oh, really? And who is it?"

"Sirius."

"_What?!_"

"Yes. Please don't look at me like that. _I_ don't want him! _I_ don't think he's... suitable, or whatever. I don't want him as my mate, _really_."

"But you said that you would pick me because I am the only one you could imagine spending your life with! You said that you would attach yourself to the person you wanted the most!"

"I was _wrong_, okay? I thought that... But I was wrong. I didn't have anything to do with the choice. She just told me, right out of the blue. It was already decided when she... And she sure as hell didn't pick the one I want the most. I want _you_."

Silence.

"Please, love. Don't do this. I swear to you that I didn't have a clue that it was going to be like this. Please. I promise I had nothing to do with that choice. I wouldn't choose to spend my life with Sirius if he was the last man on earth. The only thing I want to do, what I _really_ want to do, is live together with you."

Silence.

"So what are we going to do, Remus? What are we going to do?"

"I don't know. I just... I don't want him. I want you. I want you."

"Remus! Remus, I'm sorry, don't cry... I... I'm sure we'll figure out something."

"It's for life. I'm stuck with him for life. And I don't love him. You have to believe me. You have to!"

"Sure I do. Come on, you need to sit down for a while..."

* * *

Remus asked Sirius to be the one who told James and Peter, and he didn't have the heart to say no. So he talked really quickly, looking anywhere except at his friends. A long, long while after he had stopped talking, though, he braved a look. James was staring at him in absolute horror, blinking rapidly, as if that made it any easier to process the information he'd just received. Peter was just looking thoughtful and... was it mildly disgusted? Sirius really couldn't blame him. Just thinking about the whole business made him feel more than just mildly disgusted. He still couldn't believe that _Remus_, of all people, could be like... _that_. He always seemed so... well, proper! And now all of a sudden he was... he was doing _stuff_ with _men_! It was enough to make anyone's lunch start making attempts for freedom.

"But," James finally blurted, "how does that even work, if he doesn't fancy you?"

"Obviously the wolf part of him does," Sirius said, shrugging.

"What's the difference?" Peter wanted to know. James and Sirius both gave him incredulous stares.

"What do you mean, 'What's the difference'?" James said rather hotly. "You've seen him when he's a wolf! Remus isn't anything like that."

"I know that!" Peter retorted just as angrily. "I just mean that the wolf part is still a part of him. How can _it_ fancy Sirius when Remus doesn't? They're still in the same body."

"Don't be daft-" Sirius began, but Peter cut him short.

"I am not being daft," he said through clenched teeth. "I just mean that _we_ don't know how the two of them work. All I'm saying that if the wolf feels attracted to Sirius, then Remus should feel it too, whether he wants to or not."

"Well, then it's against his will, isn't it?" Sirius shot back. "It's not his fault."

"You mean it's usually someone's fault if they're attracted to someone?" Peter said sourly. "Like James _decided_ to be attracted to a girl who hates his guts?"

There was an awkward silence, and then Peter got up and left. Sirius and James stared at each other, and then James cleared his throat in embarrassment.

"Uh... what was that all about?"

Sirius raked a hand through his hair, collapsing onto his bed with a sigh. "I just think he's upset. Doesn't know how to handle this. Can't really blame him for that, I'm pretty damn upset too. I mean... ugh."

"Yeah..." James shook his head, looking confused. "Still, it's not exactly as if it's _worse_ than being a werewolf."

"You think so? I don't really know, actually. I mean, BAM! You're bitten, you're a werewolf. Not much you can do about that, really."

"Well, I actually think Peter has a point there," James said, and his tone had taken on just the merest hint of coolness. "There's not much you can do about fancying someone, all around. If you're stuck on someone, it can't be helped."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but... _blokes_, James? It's not... normal."

James made a noncommittal grimace. "I don't know about normal, but... well, I can't say I find the thought entirely pleasant. And I sure as hell can't imagine doing something like that myself," he added with a bit of a shudder.

"Agreed," Sirius said with feeling, trying to block out the mental picture without too much success. "Ugh. Can we talk about something else? All this talk of guys getting it on is getting me nauseous."

James nodded in agreement, but looked a bit uncomfortable with his friend's choice of words. He wouldn't admit it to Sirius when he was like this, of course, but Peter's words really had struck a nerve. Not that he was so keen on the thought of one of his best friends being a poof, but there was no reason to believe that Remus could help what he felt more than anything else. And if that was the case, then Sirius was being way too harsh. On the other hand, Peter wasn't exactly handling it very well either; for all he had a point, he was still _acting_ as if it was Remus who was somehow behind this fuckupery between him and Sirius. And while Remus might be queerer than a professional broom polisher, he really wasn't stupid, and if would be downright _daft_ to get yourself in love with someone like Sirius.

No, that was definitely all the wolf's fault, James decided, as they started talking about unnecessarily manly subjects, like Quidditch and boobs. Both Sirius and Peter were beating with the wrong end of the bat, and he'd just have to make sure that they didn't take it out on Remus.

* * *

"So? How did it go?"

Remus gave Sirius a sour look over the top of his book when he dropped down next to him in the sofa. He pointedly eyed the unnecessarily wide space Sirius, for safety reasons, had left between them, and rolled his eyes.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he said.

"Oh, you meant about James and Peter? No problem. Peter got himself a bit worked up, but he'll come around."

Remus raised his eyebrows, and Sirius could see he was attempting to not look worried. But he was. "Worked up?" he asked, marking his place in the book and closing it.

"Yeah. I don't know what he was on about, really, but I just think it came as a bit of a shock to him. As I said, I don't think it's a big deal. You know how he is, couldn't stay angry for more than a day to save his life."

Remus nodded noncommittally. "And James?"

"He's okay, considering. I mean, it's a bit awkward for all of us, isn't it? But he's being a real champ about it."

Remus grimaced ironically, saying nothing, and Sirius saw this as an opportunity to get the answer _he_ had been after. "So, how _did_ it go?"

"How did what go?" Remus wondered, puzzled, and Sirius gave back for his previous eye-rolling.

"Telling your boyfriend, of course. How did it go?"

Remus looked for a second as if he considered getting angry, but then he just sighed, looking away. "He's trying very hard to act as if he doesn't want to punch me."

Sirius grimaced in sympathy. "He didn't take it well, then?"

"Oh, he's okay, considering," Remus said wryly. "I mean, for a person who just found out that the person he loves won't be able to spend his life with him... well, he took it very well. He hates my guts right now, of course, and yours as well, but at least he didn't break up with me."

"But... that's unfair," Sirius protested. "I mean, didn't you tell him that it's all the wolf's fault? He should understand that there is nothing you can do."

"The thing is," Remus said, his face twisting in frustration, "that sometimes even _I_ have a hard time telling if it is _me_ that wants something, or the wolf. And my boyfriend knows this. So even though he wants to believe me, a nagging voice at the back of his mind keeps asking, 'How can he tell?', and he doesn't have an answer for that."

"So..." said Sirius after a long, contemplative silence, "how _can_ you tell?"

"Because you are the last man on earth that I would choose to spend my life with," said Remus promptly. "No offence meant, but you really are."

Sirius laughed reluctantly. "Alright. Fair enough. So didn't you tell him that?"

"Of course I did," Remus replied somewhat impatiently. "But even I have to admit that you're attractive. And so I think my boyfriend thinks that maybe it's about that. Maybe I just think that you're prettier, sexier and... well, physically a better specimen, and that's why the wolf choose you. Which of course is absolute horseshit, because if you're in love with someone, they are the most beautiful thing on earth to you, no matter if they look like poster boys for Witch Weekly or not. And also, I would rather take poison than sleep with you. No offence meant."

"None taken," Sirius said with a grimace. "So why do you think your boyfriend would think that?"

Remus chuckled dryly. "Because, Sirius, it's very hard to compare oneself to you and _not_ feel anything but attractive. You look like a Greek god. Most teenage boys don't, and so we're all jealous of you. It's very hard for my boyfriend to imagine that anyone – even I – would pick him over you. Maybe, if it wasn't you, things would be different." He sighed. "Then again, probably not. You see, my boyfriend has a hard time imagining that anyone would pick him at all, when there's the whole of the rest of the world to choose from – and that's including livestock and probably molluscs too. He's not a very confident person."

Sirius cleared his throat, looking a bit embarrassed. Being complimented on his looks by Remus was not quite something he was comfortable with.

"Right..." He searched for another subject, and eventually found one, even though he wasn't sure if Remus would think that he was being insensitive for asking or not. "So what did it feel like? Meeting your boyfriend now?" he eventually asked, averting his gaze as if that would somehow protect him if Remus was to become angry.

Remus just sounded confused. "What do you mean? I already said; I felt bad for him, I'm sad that he's angry with me, I'm upset about this whole mess. What do you need more, a whole essay?"

Sirius shook his head, his cheeks colouring even more. "No, I meant... after this mating thing... seeing as you can't be attracted to him..."

Remus heaved an irritable sigh. "You were not paying attention," he complained. "I am still just as attracted to my boyfriend as before. It's just that I cannot get sexual _release_ together with anyone but you. No orgasm. No ejaculation. Not even if I try to do it myself. Do you understand _now_?"

Even as he blushed and wished that he hadn't asked, Sirius also grimaced in sympathy. "Merlin, that sucks. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Remus said with a sour smile. "I mean, even if you actually wanted to help me in that department," Sirius looked horrified, "I wouldn't let you. I'd rather live unsatisfied for the rest of my life. And as for the mating part, it's definitely not your fault that you're such a sexy dog."

"Ewwww! Moony!" Sirius launched for his friend, and they both toppled to the floor, laughing and wrestling like they used to before the whole mating thing got in the way and made bodily contact something terribly wrong.

Which was, of course, when the whole Quidditch team, led by James and Peter, came in through the portrait hole. The two marauders froze, making several of the other players bump into them, and angry and confused exclamations ensued. No one seemed to know why their captain and left-field beater was staring in such shock on their best friends, when all they seemed to be doing was play-wrestling.

Then Peter, with a disgusted grimace in Sirius' and Remus' direction, ran up the stairs to their dorm. James' gaze darted back and forth between his disappearing back and his entangled friends, as if trying to make sense of the whole situation. "Hey, captain, what-" one of the players began, but was silenced by a scorching glare from James.

And then, three things happened almost simultaneously. James opened his mouth to say something, Sirius tried to cut him short by saying, "Look, James..." but he, in turn, was cut short.

By Remus kissing him.

* * *

A/N: At this point I want to make something clear, so that I can avoid misunderstandings. I don't want people to feel they've been fooled by the tags on the fic, as has already happened once before. So let me clarify: This is a Remus/Sirius **friendship** fic. As in, they won't become a couple. That would be rather horrible, in this story, ne? So no forced coupling, just them exploring their friendship. I hope that no one feels that I've wasted their time.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** A speedy update, because people seemed to be of the opinion that it was needed.

Also, I have homework to avoid, so yeah.

And also, my gf won't write with me right now, so I have no choice but to focus on my own stories. /sad

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Three**

**Or: Studies of**** a chain of reactions**

* * *

Their lips met, clumsily, and then there was a moment when Sirius was far too shocked to react, and Remus had no control over his own body, and could do nothing but notice in horror how he was pushing his tongue into Sirius' mouth. And then, at the exact same moment as Remus managed to wrestle his body back into he own grasp, some neuron sparked in Sirius' brain and realisation of what was happening descended in his eyes. Simultaneously – and probably rather comically if one had the advantage of merely watching the spectacle – they flew away from each other, Remus toppling backwards and then clawing himself backwards over the floor, and Sirius jerking away with such brutal force that he banged his head against the floor. He contracted into a foetal position, clutching at his head as he groaned in pain, while Remus was staring at him with a face as white as chalk, looking as if he was fighting very hard not to faint.

James knew that in any moment there was going to be shouting, and maybe things would slip out that the whole school shouldn't know, so he turned around with panic in his eyes in a desperate plea to the loyalty of his team. "Look, everyone, could you just... just go to bed now? This is a bit... uh... private?"

And to his surprise, they actually listened. Sure, they were bouncing meaning looks back and forth as they headed for their respective dorms, and he was sure that gossip about what they had seen to everyone they knew and thus make sure it would spread all over school, but at least Remus and Sirius wouldn't have an audience to whatever it was that was happening between them. Hopefully, since it was so late, no one else would blunder in.

Sirius had by now managed to sit up, and was making incoherent noises as he stared at Remus in outrage. Remus was still frozen, staring right back at Sirius with an expression of deep, undiluted horror. James thought maybe he should make a contribution.

"What the _hell_," he said, with feeling, "was that about?"

Remus slowly turned to look at him, but when his mouth opened no words would come out, just a string of small, terrified gagging sounds. Sirius had by now, it seemed, noticed the strange state Remus seemed to be in, for he stopped trying to speak for a moment, took a deep breath and wiped his mouth with every sign of revulsion before finally managing to get his vocal chords back in working order. "That's a... a very good question. Remus, what... you just said... so why...?"

He was interrupted by Remus throwing up. When he was done with that, he sat for a long while with hunched shoulders, shaking, before managing to look up. By then Sirius had, by means of a steady crawl, managed to drag himself into a chair, and James had perched beside him on the armrest. They were both watching Remus warily, but not completely without sympathy.

"Moony?" James tried again. "Why did you do that?"

"I didn't," Remus finally managed to say, his voice hoarse. James and Sirius exchanged disbelieving looks, as if they couldn't believe that he was actually trying to deny what he'd done, and something in Remus snapped. "It wasn't _me_," he snarled. "It was... it was _her_! She... she _took over my body_!"

He when saw their faces change as the words sank in, saw how the meaning of what he'd just said slowly became clear to them. James looked even more shocked, while Sirius' face took on a note of even deeper revulsion.

"You... you mean that the _wolf_ just kissed me?" he asked, his voice trembling.

Remus tried to collect his thoughts by leaning his face in his hands, thus allowing himself to take his eyes off his friends. "Well yes. And no. She made _me_ kiss you. She was the one controlling me, but she left me conscious of what I was doing." Too conscious. She'd had control over _all_ of his body, and for a terrible moment before he managed to regain control, Remus had felt a tell-tale tingle running through his body, starting in his crotch and travelling fast. True, it had died away the moment he'd gotten his body back in his own grasp, but it had still _been _there, and it was terrifying. He had something inside him that could make him do things like that, something that could even force him to _enjoy_ it. It was insane; it was evil; it was twisted beyond belief and it scared him like hell.

"Merlin's _balls_," James swore with emphasis, and then looked ashamed, as if saying 'balls' to a poof was somehow slightly worse than saying it to a straight person. "That is... that's just _sick_."

"Tell _me _about it," Remus said bitterly, looking for his wand and eventually finding it under the sofa. Stabbing it in the direction of the pool of sick on the floor, he Vanished it with an angrily muttered spell as he got clumsily to his feet.

"So, what, you mean it can happen again?" Sirius asked, aghast, and Remus promptly decided to direct his anger at him instead.

"I don't know, do I?" he snapped viciously. "You think I knew _that_ was going to happen? I have no idea what is happening, _or_ what she did to me, so how the _fuck_ am I supposed to know..." Here his voice trailed off and he collapsed into the sofa, and he only managed to hold it off for a few seconds before bursting into tears. Ashamed and angry with himself he hid his face, but there was nothing he could do to stop sobbing, gagging, fighting for breath, and nothing to shield him from the knowledge that James and Sirius were exchanging glanced over his head, helpless. Eventually he felt a hand on his shoulder and knew without looking that it was James'. He could hear Sirius going up the steps to the dorm, pausing every few seconds to look back, before finally breaking into a run.

He slumped sideways onto the cushions of the couch, bit the fabric hard and tried to forget what had just happened. Except that that was impossible. No one was going to let him, he knew that. And by tomorrow, his boyfriend would know.

* * *

_- What are you doing? This is not _right_. _Her voice was tortured within his mind, full of conflicting urges and incomprehension.

_- What am I doing? What are _you_ doing? _Remus raged against the other presence in his mind. _You... you had not right. _No_ right!_

_- But this is wrong, _the wolf wailed silently. _You keep pushing our mate away from us! You keep telling him lies._

_- I have not lied, _Remus replied ferociously. _I told him the truth. I don't want to live with him. I don't love him. I don't want him ever to touch me. I don't want anyone else except..._

_- That other one, _she finished in contempt. _He is nothing. He is not our mate. I did not choose him. But you _still_ let him touch you!_

_- Because I want to,_ Remus replied, anguished. _I want him to hold me, kiss me, touch me. I wanted to have sex with him!_

_- NO! _Her roar of protest was like a shockwave through the link, and it sent waves of shock coursing through his nervous system. _Mating is not for anyone but the mate! You need to give yourself to our mate, you need to take..._

_- No. I won't do that, _Remus replied coldly, blocking out as much as he could of her; of her feelings, her twisted logic and her damnable instincts. _Why can't you understand? I do not want Sirius._

_- Want? What is want?_ She sounded as if she's earnestly never heard of the word before. _We NEED our mate. That is how it is, and how it will always be. Wanting doesn't come into it._

_- Well, I do not care, _Remus replied grimly. _If this is how it's going to be, then we'll be alone forever. Forever, do you understand?_

_- I understand, _she replied coldly after a long pause filled with unspeakable disgust. _And if _that_ is how it's going to be, then I will do whatever I can to fight you. And I will get better at it, trust me. _His mind filled with images of Sirius and him, entangled and naked, and he pushed them away in revulsion. But in spite of himself he smiled, albeit very cruelly.

_- It doesn't matter how good you get, _he mocked her. _Sirius doesn't want us. He isn't even attracted to men!_

_- I am female._

_- You are a _wolf_! An animal! He is a _human_! He'll have me before he even considers you!_

But she wouldn't listen. He hadn't thought she would; he wasn't sure she even _could_ understand it. To her, the world was simple, painted in big strokes and full of undeniable facts; of do's and don'ts. And maybe the _world_ was really like that, but humans sure as hell weren't!

xxx

"Is it true, then? Is it true that you kissed him? Everyone says you did."

"Everyone don't know that I'm a werewolf."

"But you kissed him?"

"Yes! But it wasn't... it wasn't _me_."

"What, she _forced_ you?"

"Yes, she did. She took over my body."

"You never said she could do that."

"I didn't _know_! If I'd known, I would have told you. If I had known, I wouldn't have been _wrestling _with him."

Silence.

"You're seriously not angry with me for wrestling with him?"

_Silence._

"He's my friend! There was nothing sexual about it, it was just for fun, like we've always done!"

"But it's different now, isn't it? He's your mate. It's _different_!"

"Not to me! I just want to be able to act normal when I'm around him, alright?"

"And that includes kissing him?"

"That wasn't me! Haven't you been listening? I thought that it would be safe for us to act like we always have, and then suddenly I was kissing him and I _couldn't make myself stop_! Do you think I _liked_ that? It was the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me! It's... it's like I have this thing inside me that could potentially make me rape myself, and you think I _wanted _to do that?!"

Silence. "...please don't shout at me, Remus."

"I... I'm sorry. I just..."

"I'm sorry too. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just... a bit sensitive right now."

"It's okay. I understand. You weren't there, you didn't see it. If you'd been there to see me hurl afterwards, you it would probably be easier for you."

"...you threw up?"

"Yes. Believe me, if you'd felt your tongue sticking itself down someone's throat on its own accord, you you'd be heaving too."

Silence.

"But you felt nothing when you kissed him? Nothing except wanting to stop?"

"No."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. I did feel something, but that wasn't really me. She took away my mind and left only my body to react simply to the prospect my mate. The moment I came back to myself it disappeared, and I threw up. He's just something my body thinks it needs, but something that hurts my heart and mind."

Silence.

"I still wish you wouldn't have felt that."

"Me too."

"Does that mean that you will learn to, eventually? I mean, that you could, if Sirius would let you?"

"Does it matter? I don't want to learn."

"...I think it matters to me."

"Look." A pause, a long pause, for the kiss is drawn-out and sweet. "There. When I kiss you, I feel so much more than just dumb attraction, and Sirius could never give me that, do you understand? Never."

"But there are things he can give you that I can't anymore."

"Well, those things aren't nearly as important. What is most important to me is what I can give to you."

"But what if I feel the same? I can't give everything that I want."

Silence.

* * *

The next day Remus attempted to distract himself with trying to find a suitable simile to use for the way he was beset in the corridors, during lunch, during classes. Unfortunately, there was a very simple, very accurate one at hand on the top of his mind.

Golgotha.

Sirius seemed to suffer just as much, if not more, because it was a greater indignity for him to be at the butt end of various gay jokes. Remus just found them immature and rather uninformed; to Sirius they were open implications that _he_ should be a bloody poofter, and this seemed to unsettle him greatly.

Snape was, of course, having a field day.

As soon as professor Slughorn left the classroom to fetch more garlic-imbued blood samples, he turned around to sneer at them. "I always knew that there was something unnatural about you," he gave Remus a significant stare, "but this exceeds even my suspicions. And to display it so boldly in front of a whole audience," he smirked, bowing his head in mock admiration, "I am impressed. But I suppose the need grew too great for you to resist? Isn't that usually the case with such unnatural urges? You can try to hide it, but eventually the perversion will break out."

Sirius was about to spit some retort at him, his cheeks flushing blotchily, but Remus beat him to it. "Urges, Snape? And what would you know about that? Any experience you might have I suspect to be a bit _single-handed_."

Snape gaped, and turned red from humiliation as the words sank in and everyone, including his Slytherin friends, started snickering. Remus leant forward, manipulating his lips into a predatory smile. "But if you would like some real know-how, I'll be only too happy to offer you my help. It didn't work very well on Sirius, he just didn't have it in him, but I can see," he let his gaze stray knowingly over Snape's body, "that you definitely do."

Laughter broke out all over the classroom; even Lily was stuffing her sleeve into her mouth in a vain attempt to muffle her giggles. Snape looked positively mortified and bowed his head over his cauldron, saying nothing else, but the short glare he shot Remus a few moments later had pure hatred in it.

Remus was shocked with himself. It was just this kind of condescending behaviour that he usually hated in James and Sirius when they were at it, and now the poison had come spewing out of him as if he'd been longing for nothing else but to let it loose. It was unsettling. But he'd been afraid that Snape would make the danger worse by pouring his venom over an already sickening wound. By mocking Snape in front of everyone, he lessened Sirius own humiliation and – he had to admit – provided something of protection for himself. People would be less inclined to think that what was said about him was true, if they knew that he'd openly ridiculed the concept.

He knew, though, that to people that were somewhat closer to him, this attack could also be seen as proof that Severus had unwittingly managed to strike a nerve, and he didn't want that. He imagined what his boyfriend would say if this thought would indeed strike him, and it was a chilling concept. He couldn't ever let his love think that what had happened had truly done so because of some deep and repressed longing of Remus'. He would have to be a lot more careful in the future.

* * *


End file.
